The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
