I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
