Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He kissed a someone with a penis
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
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We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
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As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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