I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
