i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
