so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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