i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
