:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour