I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
