remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Im part way to drunk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside