Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
