drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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