i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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