$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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