Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
