Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
