It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
