It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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