We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
