Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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