wakey wakey hands off snakey
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
