It's Friday. Sex?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
