I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
