fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
