worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
