Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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