stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
