did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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