I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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