winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
