Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
