I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
