Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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