He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
