Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
