You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I need to calm my uterus...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
