Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
