alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
