How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
