Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
