dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
