i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
