i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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