Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
