Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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