He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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