Sry I called you an 8
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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