Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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