at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
