I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
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Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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