I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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