Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
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Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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