dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
