So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
