I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We smell like vodka and hangover
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