Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
