Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
