I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
