God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
